I've had great intentions of writing more...with all the free time I was bound to have after the wedding. HA! My biggest problem (after the whole NOT actually having any free time) has been that I have this amazing topic to write about...and then something happens and it no longer matters. Sometimes it's been that I'm all cranky about some such thing and have an actually witty blog post half written in my head when God turns the whole thing on it's head. Sometimes it's been that I have some amazing insight to share and then I hear from a friend who is in desperate need of prayer and my little amazing insight seems so small compared to the suffering around me. You get the picture...
But today when I read my very articulate, witty, and smart (and pretty to boot!) sister's blog post, I had a thought! And decided to write it before I could forget or get sidetracked!
The blog post (which you should go read) is about missions. After a rather outside the box missions experience that had many highs (such as meeting and marrying her awesome husband) and lows (such as watching kids go hungry while food sat in a warehouse because of church politics), my sister has a unique and challenging view on the traditional way evangelicals "Do" missions work.
I am a firm believer that:
1. God is bigger than our often inadequate and clumsy methods of reaching out to people and can use it to accomplish His works...I know...I've watched Him do it!
and
2. We should always be wrestling with issues such as these...Is there a better way to do missions? How can I be more like Jesus when going into the world with the Gospel - whether it's to our neighbor or a third world country? How can I be more like Jesus period!
In her blog, my sister asked to hear crazy missions stories.
It got me thinking. I've participated in various types of missions trips from the WAY too cushy Florida mission trip (beach every evening? hard life!) to the puke/poop filled Mexico trip where we barely managed to do the VBS Gospel bracelets let alone anything else! But when I think about God messing up a mission trip in a way that made the most impact on me (and hopefully others)...it's gotta be India.
Why?
1. I was paid (not a lot, but still more than the guy that carried my washing machine up the side of a mountain with only a rope around his FOREHEAD!!!)...not typical of missions work.
2. I wasn't there to do VBS or build a classroom. I was there to be a substitute parent for a lot of 2nd through 5th grade boys and girls.
3. I left early. Normally missions work involves staying a set amount of time (be it 1 week or 5 years). I was supposed to be there 2 years, but due to persistent bacteria I was forced to leave after only a short time (talking weeks/months).
All in all...not a banner example of missions - no matter what your definition!
BUT
After I got out of the rural mountain hospital (whatever you're picturing in your head...make it worse. Dirty damp bedding. Coat tree holding my IV bag...which was actually a glass bottle. Pillows with outlines of all of the greasy heads that had touched it before me. Reused needles taken directly from disinfectant that had flies landing on it and stuck in my arm while I sat at an old wooden school desk) with the realization that I could not keep going, I struggled with did I hear God right when He told me to come to India? Did I try and force God's will into my box? Was I a quitter if I went home to clean water and dry sheets and books that didn't crawl with silver fish?
I shared these struggles with a gal that also worked at the school who was there as a missionary from England. She said one of the most life changing things I have ever been told. She told me: God never told you how long you would be here...He only said go. And you did. You will never know the impact you had on people in your time here, but when you obey, God never doesn't use that.
I think we humanly - selfishly - participate in missions work to some extent because it feels good. Because we get to see a tangible result...it might not be hundreds of lives surrendered to Jesus or even one life. But usually there's people that aren't as hungry for a day. Or kids that got a chance to be loved on for a few days before going back to the routine of an orphanage. Or a group of believers that now has a place to meet together thanks to your skills with a hammer. I didn't get ANY of that in India. I left life a puppy with my tail between my legs. But, looking back - I'm glad I don't know any of the impact that I had during my short stay in India. By not knowing anything tangible I have to trust that God used me...and that stretches me in ways I have never been stretched from a missions trip.
The skills I learned and the confidence in myself that I gained while I was in India have also served me well. (5 boys? That's nothing! I was in charge of ~45 boys and girls all at once...granted I had a staff of cooks, laundry washers, and house cleaners. But still, that's a whole ton of kids at once!) But the challenge to trust God in the unknown - that is what changed me the most. Not that I always remember the lesson learned...I, like the Israelites, seem to be rather hard-headed and in need of the same lesson over and over. Thanks to the book I just finished reading with my Bible study ladies, I've been thinking about what it is that I want to learn this year...really learn. That deep down in my heart kind of learning. After reading and thinking about my sister's blog, I decided that I want to relearn this lesson - trusting that God is using me.
I want to trust that even when I feel like I suck at life...that I'm failing at everything...that God is using me.
I want to trust that when I feel like I am not putting in the amount of love, time, effort, etc. that I should be into my husband, the boys, my family, my friends, the house, my job, etc. that God is still using the little that I am able to give.
I want to trust that it MATTERS that I smiled and said thank you to that stranger.
I want to trust that God is working to mold me into the woman He created me to be despite my feeble, tired attempts at prayer, worship, and study.
I know. I know. This is probably going to turn out like it does when you pray for patience. But I really am interested to see what God does this year (please be gentle with me Lord!) and how He works to teach me to trust Him more (hopefully it doesn't involve reused needles!).
What are you hoping God does in you this year?
